I have a friend, her name is Val. If you ever find a friend like Val, you should hold onto her for dear life. But you can't have my Val, she's mine. She's one of those amazing people who cares deeply about the welfare of those she loves-so deeply that she positively will not put up with any bullshit. She will attentively listen to me whine without interruption and then look me straight in the eyes and give me the business. She will chew my ass up one side and down the other…in love…because she cares. Unless you've had a relationship like this with a friend, it's hard to describe. I'm never upset when she does this in fact I'm kind of relieved. The vast majority of the people in our lives just tell us what we want to hear, but she's having none of it. She isn't going to let me wallow to my own detriment-hell no. She believes in the power of truth and she gives it to me straight. There's only one other person I have ever met who does the same thing- that is Mr. W. Val is my Mr. W….for chick stuff.
Val played a part in pointing me in the direction of a life journey that I have been on for several months now. I was talking to her one day-more than likely just complaining about something-and I remember that she let me exhaust my verbal vomit, put her hands on my face, looked me in the eyes and said, “Ruth , you're afraid. You are afraid of everything! I have never met someone who is more afraid." I remember being shell-shocked - afraid? Not a chance. I am neurotic, driven, emotional, and perhaps the tiniest bit controlling, but afraid? Nope. She was mistaken. But I couldn't get her words out of my mind. Val is not the kind of person to admonish just for the hell of it, so when she speaks truth into your life you sit up and listen.
In the months following our conversation, the idea of fear seem to be popping up everywhere- in every book, article, movie or news story I watched, read or listened to, there was always something about fear. I'm just self-involved enough that all these coincidental references to the topic had me thinking that I was about to break open some universal truth. What happened was that the universal truth had always been there and it was about to break me open.
I began doing what I always do when something intriguing or nagging or just downright disturbing gets into my head-I read voraciously everything I can get my hands on. And you don't have to look far to find information on fear. It's everywhere. Most of the quotes we hear have become so common they are almost cliché, but if you read them, REALLY read them, you start to see an underlying truth…
“Everything you’ve ever wanted is on the other side of fear.” – George Addair
“Why do you stay in prison when the door is wide open?” – Rumi
“May your choices reflect your hope, not your fears.” –Nelson Mandela,
“For God did not give us a spirit of fear, but of power, and love, and self-control.” – 2 Tim. 1:7
“All procrastination is fear.”- Elizabeth Gilbert
“Perfectionism is a dream killer because it is just fear disguised as doing your best.” – Mastin Kipp,
“There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear…” -1 John 4:18
“Fear is the path to the darkside.” – Yoda (that one is for Mr. W.)
“The enemy is fear. We think it is hate, but it is fear.”- Gandhi
A pattern was starting to emerge.
As a woman, I have always been excellent at labeling my feelings and emotions. I label them and then I have subcategories and label those.
You have all seen the meme's:
I always felt I had a pretty good handle on what my various emotions were and how they affected my behavior. But as I continued to read and think and look carefully at all of my life, I had to ask the question - What if maybe, just maybe, all the negativity, all of the feelings and experiences that we see as harmful or bad just your basic ‘darkside’ of the emotional spectrum-what if they are all a symptom? What if the problem is fear?” I have always thought of hate as the blackest on the bad spectrum of emotions, but what if it isn't? What if it is fear? Things were beginning to shift for me. But I am stubborn when it comes to personal growth and needed the point illustrated for me. I was given the opportunity to learn this lesson a few months ago in an encounter where I made a complete and utter ass of myself.
Mr. W and I were out of town to see a dear friend of ours. I was enjoying my second glass of red wine and the evening was going smashingly well until a beautiful, petite 37-year-old woman had the audacity to sit down at our booth and look like she was 21. The NERVE! This woman, let's call her ummmm….”Chastity”... knew our friend, or a friend of our friend or something, so she plopped her skin tight, perfectly clad ass down to join us. At this point I was only in sarcastic mode-in general I tried to be supportive of “the sisterhood”- you know, women helping women and all that-so when she ordered tequila I made only a snide remark about how “Grownups don't drink tequila…” not yet knowing her true age. To which “Chastity” replied in an innocent tone, “Are 37-year-olds not allowed to drink tequila?” That was the comment that turned me into super bitch. I don't often go this route with people. I am not sure if it was the wine or the woman but I officially became the worst version of myself. I replied to her question, “Oh they can, but the smart ones don't.” I won't embarrass myself further by going into more detail, but just know that was the NICEST thing I said to her for the rest of the night. It all went seriously south from there. Granted the girl was wearing the same dress as Julia Roberts in "Pretty Woman" and was a tad intoxicated but that should've inspired my pity not my ire. Yet I continue to relentlessly scratch her with my sarcastic, rude and downright mean comments. It's doubtful that she remembered anything the next day, but I did. Mr. W certainly did and so did our friend. I was mortified.
After that engagement I was forced to look long and hard at why I behaved the way I did-it was so out of character yet I fell into it so easily and completely, I shocked even myself a bit. “Chastity” didn't do anything to me-(OK, I have to stop calling her that, in quotation marks no less! I don't remember what her name is and that's just a little sarcasm that is continuing to poke through. I'm sorry. There, I said it.) So where in the world did the ugliness of my response come from? That was when all the pieces fell into place. Fear. It's always about fear. Every negative emotion that leads to negative behavior….they are the symptoms. FEAR is the problem. So what was I afraid of in that situation? Oh, so many things-losing my edge, getting old, mostly just the fear of losing significance. When I realized that all this negativity stems from fear, I was able to honestly examine my life. This experience wasn't just about being a bitch-it was way more than that. It was about fear of losing significance (ok, ok, and also NOT being a bitch…that too).
So now when negative, emotions, or reactions manifest themselves in my life, I don't just take them at face value anymore. It is not just a “bad day” or “bad reaction.” Instead, I ask myself, “What are you afraid of?” This one question has changed the game. So much so, that I can't help but share it. Try it out for yourself. I dare you. C'mon, what are you afraid of?
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