The struggle is real, ya'll....

For the past month I have been eating a Paleo diet, or living the Paleo lifestyle, or whatever the catchphrase it is these days that tries to make food restriction seen fabulous. For those of you who have been living under a rock for the past few years, Paleo is a way of eating that is supposed to mimic ancestral human beings-basically a hunter and gatherer diet i.e. meat, vegetables, fruits and nuts. Under NO circumstances is dairy, refined sugar (or fake sugar for that matter) legumes, grains or happiness allowed. Basically the slow chipping away of all things pleasurable in life. I jest...sort of.  The theory is that our bodies function with less disease and allergy when we eat the way our primal ancestors did before the days of fake food, refined sugar,sedentary civilization and dairy (past infancy).  I get it, I do. But I'm going to say it, even if it's totally not "Paleo" to do so, but here it is: nobody, but NOBODY, gives up carbs unless they want to lose weight. There, I said it. Carbs are AMAZING, sugar is delightful and cheese makes everything better. You don't give that shit up unless you're getting something back in return. 

My journey began after Christmas, but not because of a New Year's resolution, but because my "go-to" black sweats were feeling snug. You know the ones, every woman has them, they feel like cashmere and make your ass look fantastic. You put those suckers on when you want to relax or feel like your butt is getting too big. So when my black beauties began to betray me I knew I had to do something. 

I decided on Paleo basically because it's fairly straightforward and simple. If I was going to be in carb/sugar withdrawal, I knew I wouldn't be able to handle points, measuring, or weighing of any kind. So I stocked up on chicken, fruits, vegetables and almonds and quit buying bread, yogurt and milk...except for half-and-half. I know I'm breaking a Paleo law, but I refuse to give up my morning coffee the way I like it. I don't care what diet it is, THEY CAN TAKE MY COFFEE WHEN THEY PRY IT FROM MY COLD, DEAD, FINGERS!  Sorry, I'm cranky-I haven't had bread in weeks. 

Like all dieters, I set my expectations pretty realistically-I only expected to lose about 10 pounds a week. That didn't happen.  I have lost weight, but it's been slow. A pound here and a pound there. Still I have soldiered on. I'm as surprised as you are, trust me. But I think it's because I have seen a change, not so much in my body, but in my mind.

My relationship to food, and my body has always been a complicated one. I can say with all honesty that I can't remember a time when I have felt 100% comfortable in my own skin - literally. When I look at pictures of my 20 something self I'm amazed that a body so free of wrinkles and cellulite, so athletic and lean could have housed a girl so full of self-loathing. Because I remember what she was thinking-she was thinking about how fat she was going to look in that picture. I wish I could reach back in time and slap her across her skinny face. But I know I'm not the only woman like that.  I'm fairly certain that models pinch the skin on their emancipated forms in front of the mirror and spew hate talk to the image that they see there. 

I am going to be 37 next month and I am slowly making my peace with the fact that I'm never going to look 20 again. Because I'm going to be 37 next month. As much as I hate to admit it, I think that my new found acceptance stems, in part, from the Paleo philosophy. Paleo doesn't tout itself as a diet for weight loss primarily (though that IS a happy side effect), but instead as the most effective way to fuel your body for peak performance. This change in thinking may seem slight, but I think it's significant. Brand-new vehicles are amazing-they're sparkly and perfect, leather unmarked by time,a body that won't quit that can still handle a beating from the elements.  But if you've ever owned an old classic as I have, you know there is something pretty amazing about a vehicle that has seen some history and keeps on going. With vehicles like that you may have to protect them some, and you definitely have to give them the correct fuel, but if you do your part they will roar to life. And if you have ever pulled up next to one at a stoplight, you know there is nothing sexier than a well-maintained classic. 

So do I miss bread? Only at every meal, every single day. Is there a palatable replacement for cheese? No. There absolutely is not. Will I eat Paleo for the rest of my life? I don't know, maybe, but I won't do so just to get skinny. In the words of the great poet Robert Frost, I have miles to go before I sleep.  There are books to be read, mountains to be hiked, slopes to be skied and adventures to be had. To do that I may need a little more maintenance, and I will definitely need the right fuel. So I will continue this journey for now and attempt to have a good attitude about it.  Because having a body that can hike mountains, ski slopes,dance and move with ease is better than eating bread-even if it is only a little bit better.  And, side note, my black sweats fit again and frankly they make my world a happier place.