What I would tell my twenty-something self...

Recently I was standing in line at Subway eavesdropping on the conversation between two young women in front of me and I am more and more convinced that youth is wasted on the young.  As I stood waiting in line to order my spinach salad, (no cheese, no croutons low-cal dressing on the side) the two girls were waxing on and on about how they had dieted ALL day, ran a mile and were STARVING.  I don’t generally have a “resting bitch face,” but I am pretty sure my face came pretty close to looking something like that.  Dieting A WHOLE day?  Really?  It’s noon!  I eat grass and leaves, log every morsel and workout like my life depends on it….for WEEKS, to lose a few pounds! The girls proceeded to order foot long pizza subs and talk about the new clothes they were going to buy because they had already lost a few pounds.  I seriously wanted to slap their perfect, unwrinkled faces.  That was me a mere ten...ok, ok, fifteen years ago and my GAWD if I could, here are some of the things I would love to tell my twenty-something self from the wisdom I’ve gained with experience.

1. Tequila will ALWAYS be a bad idea.  Every time.  EVEN when it’s top shelf.  EVEN when the cute guy across the bar bought it for you.  EVERY. TIME.  You will try and convince yourself that being half latina will negate the effects of tequila.  It won’t.  Order a glass of red wine and wake up without clutching either your head or the toilet.  And while we are on the topic of alcohol - remember, it DOES have calories.  Your thirty-something ass will thank you for your restraint.
2. You ARE NOT FAT.  It physically impossible.  Your ass is perfect, your thighs are smooth and your tits are perky.  Ignore the media, the voices in your head and all of the insecurities that will assuage you - you will never again look this good, this easily. Stop being neurotic and start enjoying the hell out of a body that requires very little maintenance.
3. Now that we have established that you are not fat, we can throw all that nervous energy into prevention.  Since your metabolism is such that you can simply “diet till noon” and drop a few pounds, focus on eating real food, cultivating active hobbies and those habits will serve you long after time and babies have wreaked havoc on your once perfect and effortless body.  Also, since we are talking prevention, wear sunscreen.  Just do it.  You will try to say that tanning makes you look thinner (see point #2 -you are NOT FAT), you will say fake bake is too expensive (but you will routinely drop two bills on a pair of jeans, you can budget it in).  Just put on the damn sunscreen - your thirty something self is begging you.  It is much easier to keep wrinkles at bay than to try and get rid of them.
4. Do not get married.  DON’T DO IT.  Your twenties are for experiences to help establish who you are as an individual.  To help you narrow not only who you are, but what you want in a partner.  Travel.  Read more books.  Go to school. Move.  Try out different careers if you want, just don’t get married.  Seriously - you are going to routinely have conversations with your girlfriends about the importance of finding a signature scent and coffee drink-do you really think you are the kind of chick who is ready to choose a life partner. No.  You are not.
5. When it comes to men, please remember that starving with an artist, sleeping on a futon on the floor and having no money for basic necessities is a surefire way to drain all the romance out of being bohemian.  If you must, have the experience, but then see point #4.  
6. It really does all work out in the end.  You find a career that you love and fulfills you.  You make peace with your body and realize that a healthy,functioning, active body is a blessing denied to many and THAT is why you take care of it-drink water, eat real food, put on sunscreen, floss.  And even though you will be lonely sometimes, trust me, the man of your dreams really is on his way to meet you - but he needs to have some experiences in HIS twenties to be ready for you.  Be patient.  Don’t settle.  It will be worth it. Because sister, if you think your twenties are the shit, believe me, your thirties are going to be bitchin’.  

           You will likely listen to none of this, which is what will give you so many interesting

experiences in your twenties (and some great material when you start writing!),                  
 but if you walk away with nothing else, be sure to wear sunscreen.  I really cannot overstate
the importance of wearing sunscreen.